Sion’s Handicap

Well…it has been about one day since Trini Facebook was broken and now, it is nursing its wounds. In a viral post (screenshot below), one member of the red man association expressed frustration with the single mothers allegedly in his inbox. He had had enough and the day of reckoning was upon the beggars and their handicaps! Although I am of the view that too much has been said through comments and reposts, and although the original post has since been removed, I have a nagging desire to give my two cents on the matter. This is, after all, a blog about law, economics and Caribbean culture. And, this is culture! Besides, what else am I supposed to do in this lockdown?

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To get it out of the way, it is objectively true that single mothers are at a disadvantage on the dating and marriage market. Men generally do not want to raise other men’s children. Hell, some men *cough black men cough* don’t even want to raise their own children. Don’t shoot the messenger because she’s having a bit of fun speaking the truth! That’s a discussion for another day and it is what it is. Bottom line is, the core idea of the post is true and Stevie Wonder could see that…

Nevertheless, I do take issue with the delivery. You see, there is a certain level of elegance that I expect of supposedly decent folk while they are in public, and this fell way below that standard. You can be right and be an a-hole (he accurately described himself as such), or you can be right while maintaining tact. As someone prone to bluntness who has had to rein it in to maintain healthier human interactions, I would know. Using the word handicap to describe a prospective mate’s children can be technically correct, but it is bound to leave a bad taste in people’s mouths. He was at liberty to make his statement, but I’m not at all surprised by people’s reactions. Some things are better if kept in one’s head instead of letting them roll off one’s tongue.

Nothing prevented the poster from exercising his agency in dating privately, but he made his PSA on Facebook…publicly…and THAT is where I think the juicy point can be made. Why did he do this? Was he really so frustrated that he had to? Were there so many unsavoury women in his inbox that making a public statement was rendered necessary? I think not and I must scrutinize the post!

The allegation was that there were “all these baby mommas” in his inbox. I find this improbable. On average, men do the asking and not women. Single mothers also tend to have a lot on their plates given that they have whole other humans for whom they are responsible. That many within this cohort had the time to be in his inbox seems highly unlikely to me. It may be true, but I find it difficult to believe.

The second allegation was that they were “demanding things which single, childless women do not demand”. I’m not sure whom he has been dealing with, but most women would not ask for things from men unless they have had some encouragement from those men. Perhaps I am mistaken, but I don’t know one woman who would do this without there first being some sort of rapport between herself and the man, and without gauging the probable outcome of making such a request and concluding that more likely than not, it would be positive.

Long story short, I think he made the post to get attention. He likely was trying to make it seem like he was in high demand so that some woman whom he was interested in would consider him a better prospect.

Well…attention he got! Single mothers (and some others) swarmed in to scold him! One does not just pelt a jep’s nest! Many, quite ironically, proved his point by not being aware that they were at a dating disadvantage… But, people were also noting his arrogance. I felt for him, but was VERY entertained, especially since the post had been shared early yesterday by a friend, and I paid it no mind. I took a nap and woke up to memes! Someone needs to apologise to Mouttxt on behalf of Trinbago!

The part of the original post which I found most fascinating, however, was “you are coming to me as a beggar, not a chooser”. It reeked of so much condescension that it made me want to investigate further. Then, I found the gem below…

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In his experience, women around his age (in their late 20s) are not interested in him. He also finds that older women with children, and younger women with no emotional intelligence are the ones available to him. The former expect him to be step-daddy from the jump. The latter cannot offer him the support he needs.

I was curious about whether this point on interest/availability was universally true since people tend to date, mate and marry within their age brackets, give or take four to five years in either direction. On average, women prefer men slightly older than them, who have some resources available, but not older by much. Naturally, I asked some (about 20) men, either in their late 20s or older now, but young enough to remember. It was comprised of mostly Trinis of various ethnicities and one white Brit. This was maccoing, not science, and I was that bored, so forgive me!

Only three of the men said that in their late twenties/early thirties, women their age weren’t interested in them. One admitted it was because he had no money. One said that the only woman around his age whom he had dated had a child, but that he mostly had younger women available. I know he also has no money (but he did not say that, so you didn’t hear it from me). The third said that he found that it was mostly slightly older Indian women whom were available, but he never took the bait. His now ex wife is a slightly younger Indian woman who was 28 when they married. He was 31 at that time.

The other Trinis said that younger women and women around their age were available and interested, and that none of the women were single mothers. The Brit said all ages were available and expressed interest, and none with children.

As is typical of women, I will jump to a conclusion. It’s more of a hypothesis than a conclusion, but after reading the posts I’ve shared together, and after browsing the poster’s public posts, I have a theory. Maybe it is not the children of single mothers that are the his primary handicap!

He seems to view himself as some sort of prize. To be fair, successful, childless black men are quite scarce, so that may be adding to his ego…but it takes some audacity to make a whole public facebook post expressing contempt for a cohort of women instead of simply exercising one’s agency and not dating them.

My hunch is that it is a combination of his arrogant personality, proclivity for emotional, attention-seeking, self-indulgent and self-aggrandizing facebook posts (which is feminine) and his overestimation of his own value that causes women within his age bracket to avoid him. I am childless and within his age bracket. I would avoid him like people avoid stopping on the Beetham stretch.

I think that any single mothers in his inbox requesting things are there on invitation, because it is not likely that women are chasing a man, and it is especially unlikely that they are requesting things from him unprovoked. I wait to be corrected.

I would like to thank the poster for bringing some much needed stimulation to an otherwise humdrum lockdown period. Yesterday would have been just another June Tuesday had he not offered himself as tribute. Instead, he gave me something to pretend to analyse. For that I am grateful. He’s at least good for one thing… Laughs! I laughed heartily.